about

hi. my name is ivan and this is the reality i live in being as a fictionkin of some damn abuser and terrible person
i genuinely feel pretty awful whenever i see this character on-screen and think to myself: "this is me". because it's not someone good, it's not someone i should look up to. in fact, this character is all that i fear. i feel deeply connected to ivan psychologically due to my own mental struggles with plurality and bpd, as well as relationship issues. im really upset that im not able to look back on my own actions as much as i'd wish. my brain is split between wanting to think that all i think is right and im never wrong, and telling me to think really really deeply to see if i havent missed any important thing in a conversation in which i'd be at fault. i struggle heavily with emotional amnesia and a lot of memory issues, so im really not helped here.
i often wonder what life was like for my previous partners. my first i didnt talk to enough, the second i got burnt out, and the third i felt was the love of my life who i showered maybe a bit too much with affection to the point of being in a state of depression any time they left. and i hate myself for it. im not able to put myself in other people's shoes just as much as i thought. i wish i wasnt this way and i wish i could be helped or fixed, but this is what ive been living with for 2 years. there's no helping it.

this is the main part of me you'll encounter most of the time. even if i dont act like him, this is what i am at my core. this is the vessel im built upon. im not great, im not a kind person, and most definitely not a good example to take after. im very flawed, but i guess so is everyone.
i wrote this at 5am, and i want to put this somewhere on my website tomorrow, ill probably just make a new intro page for my facets. i feel very disconnected from myself at times, i act like completely different people, and i feel like i should make different intros accordingly for those scenarios.
im sorry this all sounds a little corny. i myself am not sure if im using the term "fictionkin" correctly. and i really hate feeling like im forcing myself to write something i dont want to. this is just how i type sometimes, but my brain likes to play tricks on me

bad things genuinely played a pretty big role in my life. its almost freeing having been able to "voice act" ivan while my best friend (ex partner) was playing. it genuinely felt like… a side of me who was begging to voice these feelings out was finally released. because whatever was going on in this game is what i felt like, thinking back to my relationship. it was nowhere near as awful as the in-game events, trust me. but i know i wasnt the healthiest, and i can assure that my episodes may have been that bad. i dont hallucinate, but i just go mad

this is my website and i get to do what i want

Genuinely not a good person, as I make observation of today (january 11th) once more. Please don't count on me in any capacity to work in a regular schedule. My mental instability is proof of the fact that I can't work for the life of me and pretty anything I make will only come in the form of disappointment. I'm only smart in things I'm truly passionate about.

I'm alright.? I guess.

what i like

People tell me I don't have a personal taste, as in, I copy everybody. That's true, to an extent. But here's the few things I like on my own accord.

• drawing
• web development
• coding
• listening to music: Tyler The Creator, Femtanyl, KMFDM, And One, Miss Construction, Joost Klein, Stromae, Kendrick Lamar, Jack Conte, Stomach Book, Marques Martin
• french war songs, specifically from ww1
• french contemporary war history: ww1, napoleonic wars, ww2 and the resistance (i also really liked Le Chant des Partisans by Joseph Kessel, Maurice Druon and Anna Marly, I did a presentation on it once.)
• language learning (currently learning german. fluent french and english speaker. aspiring to learn finnish, for whatever reason.)
• cats (i have a black cat named Cherry)
• documentaries on topics im interested in (pretty vague. i dont care.)

what i do

I code. I draw. I talk. I play. I study sometimes. I don't do much. I'm a no-lifer. (negative connotation)

To be fair, I added this header part because I was kind of lost on what to write next.

misc/extra info whatever

To make it clear: I am the webmaster. This is the "main facet" of me as I stated previously in that mess of a rant about how I relate to Ivan. Samuel is me. I am Samuel. So, all of the socials listed in my links page is all me.

I'm insanely undecisive. DO NOT trust me for picking SHIT

Along with my heavily suspected OSDD, BPD and AuDHD, I also suspect I may have an anxiety disorder of some sort. Also, I have been depressed before. Maybe I am right now. I don't really know and I don't really care. I don't know if it's part of my suspected OSDD, but I do feel depersonalization now.

Please do note that I may be hurtful with my words. This is never my intent. I am truly someone who doesn't want to hurt others. While I label myself as such in moments of stress and self-deprecation, I am not evil. If I'm splitting/going through an episode/lashing out, pay attention to my emotions and not my words as the only reason why I may be spewing really mean shit is because I don't know how to express myself otherwise

I tend to be a little melancholic, but I'm always the type to say "glass half full" rather than half empty